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Jun. 25th, 2006 @ 11:28 pm (no subject)
You are truly the company you keep.
Glad filth and video games are no longer the company i keep.
There is oh so much more to life.
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Jun. 19th, 2006 @ 08:45 am Dreamscapes and Nightmares
However pleasant and comforting our dreams can be, they can also be equally frightening and upsetting. Some you do not remember at all while others remain unpleasantly vivid in your mind. I wish that last night's dream was of the former rather than the latter. I had no reason to even think this dream to be anywhere near reality but it involved many friends and loved ones. It cut deep though. I am still unsure of it's meaning. What does everyone represent. She would never do that. They would never do such a thing. Who knows what it all means, other than how fucked up in the head I can be, how I am. I just hope it never comes to pass and I never dream it again.
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May. 19th, 2006 @ 10:58 pm The madness begins
Ever feel like you just don't fit in
Drink all night til 5 am, get up 3 pm and repeat process
No thanks
I'm so self-righteous. Straight Edge Mother Fucka. Yeah that is the way to go.
I hope you enjoy drink yourself into a stupor every night and hooking up with random dudes. I wonder how far that is going to in life. Must be nice to have everything given to you in life. What will you do when Mommy and Daddy say no. Used to give a damn, but seems you've moved on or so you think.
This is about everything and nothing, all at the same time.
Used and thrown out.
Everyone uses someone else.
It is called Life.
Do or Die
Act or Do Nothing
You live or you wither.
Insecure much? Grow up. Step down from your throne so high.
I've changed? Well so have you. Who is to say who is the better or the worse.
The Great Judge. Judge me by one practice alone. Fear the unknown. What would you do if you lost all control?
The Greatest minds of our time have fallen to much less.
It's all just illusion. Something conjured in your head til Life's big gavel comes and smacks you in the head. Work hard go far.
Apathy is stagnant and wreeks the stench of ages.
This is all just foolishness, madness, insanity, wisdom galore.
But really to you it is all just a bore
so peace out. adios. Get some sort of clue.
It's a just a prelude to life unknown of you.
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May. 15th, 2006 @ 09:14 pm Alpha and Omega
I am battered and broken
walking on glass
beat down and sprung up
over and over without remorse
My enemy my foe
I look within it's me not her
My loving end

I have done so many things to look like a jewel in her eyes. I have tried so hard to see in her eyes the glimmer that was once there when she looked upon me. I see moments of this here and there. It makes me smile but such things I crave come at the cost of my self. I change so much to try and be the ideal guy for her. But Why? What is the point in that. I quit drinking for her originally, something I do not regret. Why I started back again was the same reason I stopped to begin with. Grief. Grief of loss. That is not her doing however. I have quit again. Originally that too was for her. IT is for me. I do not quantify my life by the look in her eyes anymore. There is no other woman in the world who I cherish more. There is no other woman in the world for whom I would sacrifice anything to make happy. What would be the point of giving myself up. Why would she want anything but who I am not what I perceive her vision of me to be. In writing this I may put a wedge between a friendship I have recently rekindled and hold dear to my heart. But this is for me. My words, my heart, my soul. It is nothing that anyone who knows me does not already know anyway. This my life, my choice. A life without fear. Fear is indeed the mindkiller, and the death of my own draws much too near. I have much more words than these. Too long have I hid behind my walls for fear of conflict. Conflict brings progress.

Shattered glass and broken dreams
hope lifts up to reveal what cannot be seen
I have fallen down and risen to fall
and ill do it again until i hear your call
in the end I am not so small
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May. 9th, 2006 @ 09:37 pm Por siempre esfuerzo
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Atreyu - Her Portrait in Black
Many times have I considered the fact that I may be looking in the wrong direction. I am looking towards the brightest star in my universe. One that never fades or withers with time in my eyes.


My ever guiding light
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May. 3rd, 2006 @ 12:19 am (no subject)
The last 2 nights I have had the pleasure of listening to Laura perform at UNCW. It is rare that I get to go to such cultural events. I enjoyed it immensely. I think she is happy that I came as well. I feel alot of anger however and regret. Angry with myself. Why did I leave without waiting for her? Why did I not stop playing golf halfway through so I knew I had time to do exactly what I wanted to do. I feel I made bad decisions today out of fear and selfishness. I wanted to get all dressed up, listen to her play and have a bouquet of roses in hand to congratulate her. Her music was beautiful as was she. I did not have time to do that however. I should have left the golf course at 7 to take care of these things. I did not. I remained and instead found myself flying down college road at 8pm to get there in time for her performance. I made a poor choice, a selfish choice. At the end of the performances instead of waiting there to congratulate her I departed. I don't know why. Her mom is always so nice to me. She had not seen me for a year or more and the first time she saw me again, she hugged me like I was a close friend. I am sorry I left. I should have stayed. There will not always be a next time, but I'll never let her down.

Action not words.
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Apr. 11th, 2006 @ 09:47 pm The Pit Trap
Well for starters my Grandmother does have Cancer, some form of Lymphoma. We won't know exactly what kind for at a least week. She is going to the oncologist tomorrow to run tests and what not. I am sure she has many years left in her but she seems convinced this is the end. It's hard watching people who you grew up always thinking were near invincible realize they are not. My Grandfather was in denial until we found out yesterday morning she definitely had Cancer. It was a long day yesterday. Never give up the battle before it is fought though. That is what I tried to tell my grandmother. Time will tell what happens. All we can do is wait and see. My mom is very shaken by it, but she is strong and will be strong for her mother as I would in her shoes. They appreciated my mother and I being there though which is what matters. It is nice to be back in Wilmington. I am certain there will be another trip to Florida soon however and I will gladly go then as well. Whatever it takes for those I love.

Love is possibly the biggest mystery in the world. Noone really understands it, but we all crave it. It is in our design. I think we often forget it is not our only purpose in life however. I know I certainly have before. It is just so intense sometimes that you just can not help yourself. I can not honestly say it will not happen again either, but I will do my best to make sure it does not. It is hard to help though when that one person gets near. They can bring such complete happiness yet they can also rend you asunder. You go through hardships, even act like the other doesn't exist for awhile, but you always come back. You always wonder how that person is doing, what are they thinking, what is new in their life. Deep inside you still keep them close ready to pick everything back up where they left off. You know though that it never will. It does not keep you from hoping though. I think we all have someone like that. It could your first love, or simply your greatest life. Unfortunately it just doesn't always work out with that someone, and when we are faced with the possiblity of bringing this person back in our life as something less than what we want it can be disheartening. I have definitely experienced this. Anyone who knows me, know who that person is for me. Would do anything for her. I had to realize though, that part of that anything is just stepping back and being the best friend you can possibly be. If he/she is happy then why sit there and act like the world is ending. Be happy for them and find your own happiness within yourself. Love is not everything. It is just the finishing touch on an otherwise full and happy life.
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Oct. 28th, 2005 @ 03:57 pm until the day I die
People's emotions are a difficult thing. So affected by words and somewhat by action. As far as words we are taught Honesty is always the best policy. I lied to the one woman I have ever truly loved. Due to that and my apathy to get my life in order to provide her the life I wished for us, I lost her. Recently I told the truth of my feelings and hurt another woman. While I feel bad for hurting her, the action and words themselves I do not regret. Two ends of the spectrum same result. I used to consider myself a nice guy different from all the rest. I tried very hard not to be like every other guy. I find am very much like every other guy only Im rather reserved, which doesnt mix. However I find myself ok with that. Comfortable with just living, doing what I need to, and caring less about others. People get hurt it is a part of life. We learn from it, move on. Some don't move on, but they still live their lives. I begin to ramble.

I have tried so hard to be so nice and gentle and kind to everyone, to set myself aside from the rest.
You just can not be that all the time though. It is not real. You are not real. Everyone has a light and dark side. Everyone has negative and positive emotions. Express both. Be comfortable with who you are when you express both. Just be you. I am just being me, though I had lost myself somewhere along the way.

I was once told never to give up on your dreams and so I do not. I am told I work too much and have too little time to have fun. I would say I work too little and have too much time to have fun. My goals of being debt free shall soon be realized. That one goal achieved shall start a domino affect for all my others. College, a Career, a home, loving wife, family. Those are my goals, but what of my dreams. Some dreams do come true but I wonder will this one. If you want something and know it in your heart to be what you want, then do not give up. Wait patiently because you believe in it, because you know inside it is all you could ever hope for. Believing in something is half the battle, fighting for what you believe in is the other half.

Belief
Faith
Patience
Determination
Love
Heaven
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Sep. 23rd, 2005 @ 04:02 pm Note to Self
Never argue with a Table Saw it really hurts when it wins
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Sep. 19th, 2005 @ 10:59 pm Gossip
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
It greatly annoys me the rumors and general who did who propaganda that floats across the lips and ears of people.

I also must wonder how those who I speak to so rarely seem to know more about me and my feelings than I do. I really must know what super power they have to be capable of such and how it was derived
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